Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
