I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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