her vagina looked like bernie madoff
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
