Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
