Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
