omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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