She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
