I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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