LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
