I just threw up on my dentist
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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