he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
