I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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