i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
