My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
