I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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