You don't have asthma, your pregnant
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
