there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
