You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
