So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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