That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
