I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
