College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
This can only be settled by a dance off.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
