His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
