I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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