before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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