Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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