I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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