Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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