Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
