I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
