is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
