last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
