I think I died a long time ago.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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