??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
