Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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