I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
