Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
