Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
