Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
