Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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