we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
