I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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