I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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