i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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