My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
