I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
