If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
