I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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