my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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