I am midnight drunk by noon
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
